He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
