Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I believe in your delicious
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
