who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
