yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
