someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Your dad touched me again.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
