I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He shit in the fireplace
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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