i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
