May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
