End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
