ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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