so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
