I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
