it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
