I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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