Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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