How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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