I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
