Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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