It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
