after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
