Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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