well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
