I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
