Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
