i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
