tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
