i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
