I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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