So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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