I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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