Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
