I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
