Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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