Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
