dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
