Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
