if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
