He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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