if you like me you must not know who I am
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
