Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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