i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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