Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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