she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
