Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
