Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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