you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
