Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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