All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
