i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
