I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
