it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just gargled with NyQuil
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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