So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I want is dick and wine.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
