Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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