If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
