Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
