WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
