Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
